Holiness

Every day, the rip gets bigger...

About a week ago, it was a mere hole of minuscule proportions, a simple stretch of the fabric around the seat of my trousers. I’d registered the beam of light that could shine through when they were held up to the sun, but I was unconcerned. Although the trousers were on the tight side, they weren’t unduly constrictive, and the blood could flow freely. But a week is a long time in fabric rips, and the picture is now a very different one.

Putting my socks on inflicted the first damage. There was a tremendous tearing sound, and the rush of air. Every movement at that diabolic moment threatened to increase the tear more, and extreme caution had to be exercised in putting my second sock on. But extreme caution is hard to maintain all the time, and as the week has worn on, the wrong bend, splay or means of putting on/removal has contributed to an ever-growing hole. When I am seated I can feel the coldness of the chair below. Now the rip extends and curves along the base of most of my right buttock, and only the aforementioned tightness (of trousers, not buttock) prevents a flap of fabric hanging down and exposing bare flesh to a shocked world.

And these trousers are not a one-off. Another pair, back in Aberdeen, have an obscene hole at the groin – cause for arrest in many countries. The button of a different pair popped off a long time ago. The zip of another (particularly tight) pair had to be repaired by a professional after breaking. An old pair of coveralls had to be binned for the same reason. Two of my T-shirts sport small holes.

All this has happened in the last year. What, I have been pondering, is the cause of all my clothes busting? The answer is simple – foreigners! All my trousers were either bought in Dubai or Korea, and have suffered washing in foreign hotels. The Korean ones have lasted well and paid their dues, I’ll grant, but the Dubai ones have disappointed. Oh, they looked good at first, but failure soon followed.

So, the moral of this story is – don’t shop in Dubai. (and maybe don’t eat as many pies)